Now that M&M’s “spokescandies” have become cannon fodder in the culture wars, Tucker Carlson must wait for his next battle of empty calories.
I feel sorry for his wife. This guy has to wake up every night in a cold sweat after having nightmares in which Tony the Tigress appears as a trans: “Call me Toni the Tigress, that would be greeaaat!” – or the Kool-Aid Man crashes into a kindergarten wall to teach critical race theory.
The Sour Patch Kid is asking us to defund the police!
Mr. Peanut offers abortions!
It was about a year ago when Mr. Carlson did what he does every night of the week, which is explode on live television. Snowflake Fox was sparked by M&M’s decision to modify its cartoon mascots to reflect a “progressive world.”
Green was swapping his white boots for smart trainers. Brown’s sideburns had to shrink and be less sexy. Orange would start tying his shoelaces and be less anxious. Red, once a bully, had to embrace his kinder, gentler inner pastry chef.
For Tucker, it was like finding out the Hamburglar had joined Antifa.
As logic melts in his mouth and not his hands, Carlson put on a resting face to bemoan this woke corporate push to make candy mascots “deeply unattractive and totally androgynous “. As opposed to what? An animated smoke show in a miniskirt that gets you hot and bothered for Laffy Taffy?
This is where the story should have ended. M&M’s tried to be more inclusive in 2022, and months later, Carlson was probably texting Alex Jones about how Green is a lesbian or that new plus-size Purple clearly loves the flannel five pin bowl. the.
Alex, I just want Miss Chiquita back. It was warm enough for open borders.
But instead of becoming a ephemeral sugar high in conservative media (see also: 2022 Oreos are “gay cookies”), M&M’s restocked the pantry of outrage this week by reclaiming the issue. Mars Wrigley, the parent company, announced an “indefinite hiatus” on its animated mascots because “even a candy’s shoes can be polarizing.”
And somewhere, Tucker crapped his pants in front of Jessica Rabbit.
Polarizing candy shoes? I don’t know that. No one ever looked at the black spheres on Jelly Belly’s feet and started arguing about BLM. The new M&M spokesperson is the human Maya Rudolph, which is weird since she looks more like an eternal Gobstopper.
Also, just for the wordplay possibilities of the tag, why not go with Eminem?
It’s possible this is all a publicity stunt ahead of a new campaign launching during next month’s Super Bowl. “Indefinite pause” is not the same as “banned forever”. I wouldn’t be surprised if M&M’s gave Carlson future nightmares by bringing back characters he has no interest in seducing. Then they’ll double up with a new one, Aquamarine, a globalist elite who voted for Joe Biden and is a #MeToo crusader.
But there’s a bigger problem: Why are food pets limited to unhealthy foods?
With obesity rates on the rise, wouldn’t it be better if our kids were exposed to the occasional cartoon carrot or animated apple? It wouldn’t even matter if these characters were the opposite of woke. If it can help reduce type 2 diabetes, who gives a fig leaf if Captain Kale wants to cut taxes to the 1 percent? Let Ophelia Okra exercise on dismantling the CBC as long as she’s also a cheerleader for metabolic vigor and vitamin D.
That’s the thing about advertising to children: it works.
I remember watching commercials during Saturday morning cartoons in elementary school and then the next week watching Saturday morning cartoons in elementary school with a bowl of Count Chocula on my lap. If Bugs Bunny had a flamethrower sponsor, I would have begged my parents for it and quite possibly burned the house down.
I’m not choosing M&M’s, although I do prefer Smarties. But knowing what we know about nutrition and healthy living, all Junk food pets are as disturbing as the Marlboro Man.
You can’t tell me that Mr. Turtle doesn’t look like a park blinker. This tuxedo and top hat are clearly a weirdo. And sorry, Lemonhead has the creepy smile of a human trafficker. Does Toucan Sam keep telling people to “follow your nose” because he’s a fool for the violent cocaine cartels? That rainbow beak isn’t fooling me.
And don’t get me started on those Nerd abominations.
Don’t anthropomorphize a stain unless you are doing something sinister.
“Over the past year, we’ve made some changes to our spokespeople,” M&M’s said in a statement this week. “We weren’t sure if anyone would notice. And we definitely didn’t think it would break the Internet.”
This is a humble conceit that will surely clog the arteries of common sense.
Outside of conservative media, no one noticed or cared last year when Green and Brown went from adversaries to allies in a nod to female empowerment. Yellow could have morphed into a postmodern who believes that even daydreaming is the result of a systemic power imbalance, and sensitive people with names that don’t rhyme with Mucker Darlson would have yawned in their pomegranate seeds.
The problem was never that the M&M cartoon characters were changing with the times.
The problem was always that M&M’s had cartoon characters in the first place.
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