The rolling benefits of a recession in Silicon Valley
In many ways, these recent layoffs are in line with our vaguely worded core values—layoffs are the ultimate disruption. Silicon Valley no longer holds back the tried and true ways of doing business. Now we also shake people’s financial security. Changing the quality and cost of their long-term health care. Damn the lives of our shameful efforts to expand at an unsustainable pace. Wow – he feels so much more conscientious in talking nonsense about technology!
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I assure you, the executives of our company have taken some of these decisions very seriously. No one will miss our content moderation team. . . I mean to say most of us. We think of all of our workers as family! Specifically, as twice removed cousins who don’t hesitate to ask for more money around holidays or quarterly reports. Unfortunately, though, our precarious financial outlook means a lot more than just the layoffs coming.
- This year’s annual convention is being moved from Maui to Metaverse – an equally exotic location! we will no Covers additional costs if you need to purchase a VR headset or want an avatar with virtual legs.
- We’re off fertility aids, but that went without saying, right? If you are Owns If your child takes advantage of our egg freezing services on a dime, your child is legally a corporate employee. We reserve the right to 25% of all future earnings on any IP address generated while in utero.
- We know everyone loves our quirky holiday parties, but we’re going to cut it back a bit this year. This means that we will only be able to afford one Chainsmoker for DJs
- Nap pits are now work pods.
- Nursing rooms are now rooms for nursing while you work.
- The indoor rock climbing wall is still the indoor rock climbing wall! Feel free to use it, but know that our new insurance plan does not include workers’ comp.
- Selling user data has got us afloat in the past few years, but it’s not enough anymore. So we just signed a deal to start selling employees’ Social Security numbers to Cambridge Analytica.
- Our food court no longer serves the seasonal menu of contemporary California cuisine designed by Thomas Keller that you all love. The new menu was created by Chef Boyardee and could be better classified as a Dickensian slub.
- Your monthly exercise paycheck has been reduced to a number that only covers Planet Fitness’s 11 evening. -5 I be membership.
- Staff reductions mean that the overhead costs of our huge campus are not worth it anymore. We got back in touch with our roots by moving all operations to a poorly ventilated garage in the Palo Alto area.
- We’re excited to announce that we won’t be discontinuing the free bus so many of you are counting on! However, we cannot continue to pay for comfortable rentals. Our new bus system will take a more circuitous route to the office, with additional non-employee pickup stops, and will technically be operated by the City of San Francisco. Also, the trip costs $2.75. You’re welcome!
- Our CEOs are doing their part, too. We require all C-suite employees to reduce their stock options through stock buybacks. As a token of appreciation for their sacrifice, we will allow them to keep the millions this makes.
We know these changes are sudden, but we thank you for helping keep our company on top at any cost. If you have any questions or concerns, well, maybe keep them to yourselves, because we let the HR team go too. ♦