Recap of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Season 12 Episode 8

This week on our favorite show, rich women doing things, rich women did things. They had birthday parties with the actors from their two TV shows with a $500 cake shaped like an aqua Birken even though you know it was mostly crispy rice treats and fondant and it probably tasted like a box of stale Nilla Wafers that you found in the basement. of the Blue Stone Mansion. They did photo shoots for their new brand of hair extensions where they had the reward of a dozen scalps on their hands and the end of each one looked like Beetlejuice’s shrunken head at the end of the movie. They heard their husbands say Norfolk as if she was “Nor-fuck” and they all laughed and laughed and laughed as if Borat had said “Ah-my wiiiiiiiiiiffffff”.

The thing rich women did most, though, was go crazy over Diana. But before we get to Diana, we must interrupt her regular programming to test the emergency broadcast system. The emergency is that this season is boring and the proof is Sheree Zampino, a friend of Garcelle’s who we briefly met last season. (For the record, she pronounces her name as if it rhymes with Marie, so she is not the same as our former and future champion Shereé Whitfield.) Sheree was married to Will Smith, who Garcelle dated, and she wears a fringed caftan to her birthday parties, so you know she knows all the words to “Get Jiggy With It” and the company of three theme song.

Sheree just appears out of nowhere and now you can’t help it, like targeted ads for baby seats the day after you ordered a pregnancy test from Amazon. It’s as if the producers came back from that extended vacation in Mexico, confiscated all the women’s phones and FaceTimed screen tests with anyone who answered and had a bit of personality. Apparently, Ali Landry didn’t make the cut, but she was pretty enough to get name checked when she showed up early for Garcelle’s birthday party with the Kung Minkoffs.

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Sutton, a kookaburra sitting in an old gum tree, does a lot of weird things in this episode. I can’t get a reading on this woman. Every time I try to figure out her behavior, I feel like a vampire she must feel when she looks at herself in the mirror. Her showing up at Dorit’s, eating a jalapeno cookie, and then talking about her testosterone-balancing hormone implant should make sense, but when you try to disarm him, she makes about as much sense as a community college course on differential. equations Why are you doing any of these things? Does one have an effect on the rest? Is it really about not getting a good seat on the private jet?

Yes that’s how it is. But Sutton’s meanness is only matched by Diana’s, and the two are running around on a microscopic level of meanness like they’re Ant-Man and the Wasp trying to bone a molecule of lube. Diana sends a text message to the group’s network saying that she is resting because she has been bleeding for eight months after four surgeries to save her uterus. Although everyone reads the text as if it were The Emoji Movie 2: Rashomonall we know is that she spelled Garcelle wrong and wanted to tell everyone about her lame uterus so Garcelle wouldn’t think she was rude.

Jesus. A billion eye rolls and then send your assistant down the block to Amazon Fresh to pick up another box of eye rolls and walk out of the store without paying because the robot lords are watching our every move. Diana thinks that Garcelle called her rude when what she said was that she thought knocking Dorit down when she was asking about her book which is actually a prostitute catalog was rude. (Catalog Hooker is the name of my since-deleted Tumblr.)

Because of this text, everyone thinks that Diana will skip Garcelle’s party just like Denise Richards did. (I’m with Erika; there was no way she would show up knowing the cameras were going to be there and she might have to talk about Brandi Glanville’s vulva with the other women.) The first to arrive are Crystal and Rob. We’re then joined by Erika in a short leopard print dress and ponytail fresh from the men’s steam room at the West Hollywood Crunch. (IYKYK.)

Then we have the real winners of this party, Kyle and Dorit, appearing as if they were a bunch of D-List X-Men dressed up for the Hellfire Gala. Kyle wears what is essentially a one piece swimsuit with two chest straps and a sheer fabric that is supposed to be a skirt. Mutant Power: The Splits. Dorit is dressed in the skin of an old boa constrictor turned into a jumpsuit complete with gloves. Mutant Power: A prehensile horsetail.

Just as everyone settles into their places and plays the local game of Is it cake?, Diana Jenkins and her husband Asher arrive, both wearing the pelts of a recently euthanized Snuffleupagus and at least one ridiculous hat, but possibly two. There’s also a $250,000 diamond Birkin in the mix, chuckling at the nearby dessert. Diana gives Garcelle a passive-aggressive gift from her book, which is now out of print. Garcelle would never pull out an Erika Jayne and throw that book away. She’s probably the one selling a used copy on Amazon for the cost of a Birkin cake.

Everyone is a little surprised to see Diana considering her uterus was falling out and sending WhatsApp messages to the text message chain, but she tells Kyle that she’s not there to bother people; she is there to launch nukes. Yes, she has an agenda, and that agenda is bugging everyone.

Sutton, an ATM that dispenses twice as much money as it should, takes the bait and asks Diana to come over for a chat. She starts with, “You’re supposed to be on bed rest, but you’re here, which is confusing, and you should clear that up.” should she? She doesn’t owe anyone an explanation. Why is it Sutton’s business?

The rest of the “conversation,” however, makes me feel a little bad for Sutton. Diana opened her jaw and swallowed that woman in one gulp. Maybe she should have been wearing Dorit’s outfit? I’m sure a lot of people at home were like, “Yassssss, hunty. Dra-MA ma-MA. Catch that bitch. [Three clacks of a fan.] Get it, Jade. She rips the house up with a disgusting gag, 100,000 doll hairs.” I think this might have been the most boring fight in all of Housewives history. Sure, Sutton tries to say something and Diana goes, “Bop Bop Ba” and starts making fun of her. Sure, she calls Sutton fake. Sure, she calls her boring too and then makes fun of Garcelle and is generally horrible. The problem is that she was horrible to no end. The horror of it is insipid at first sight.

As Diana begins to tease her, Sutton says she can’t have a conversation. Do I find Sutton’s servility and sincerity exhausting? Yes. But Diana has to at least listen to him. That’s what they pay you for. Instead, she appeared determined to be mean to Sutton, and she was. Rip that monster’s mask off because the Scoobies have solved this crime. Nothing is interesting here. Diana is only being mean for her own good. She’s not responding to anything Sutton has said or done; she’s being exactly what Sutton called her: an asshole. If there is going to be a fight, I want both sides to make points. I want people to have a point of view. Not Diana; she is like a bully in the classroom.

When we saw his catchphrase in the trailer: “You want a new villain? Here I am.” — I thought it was an interesting provocation. Now that we see it in context, it made me fall asleep faster than going to the opera in an edible. A true villain doesn’t call himself a villain. An interesting villain doesn’t even to think she’s a villain. She thinks she’s the hero and people just don’t understand her. Diana is not giving us layers, she is not giving us meaning, she is not giving us vulnerability. Sutton calls her a soulless person, which is the one insult a drunken Kyle Richards Umansky can’t take. But as soon as Diana sat down on that couch and chose violence for no good reason, we saw her soul pour out of her body like steam from a kettle, making a lot of noise as it came out of her but finally not holding back. any.